nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky

i've been feeling so off lately, and i'm not sure why that is. i feel miserable and weak, to the point where it takes absolutely all of my strength to even function half of the day with limited mobility. i have been sleeping far worse than normal, yet at the same time i fall asleep about 6 times a day. i think i unintentionally fell asleep five times today before 5pm. the sleep that i get, if i can even classify it as such, makes me feel worse. my head throbs, my body aches, and i have no idea why. i don't feel ill except for what i've mentioned. i've also noticed that i'm losing the little skin color that i had. i think that i may be approaching 'beyond pale'. that's probably not too good, unless i intended on making a vampire freaks account.

i've been considering my dads constant claim that i 'must be anemic', but wouldn't they have been able to decipher that when i had a blood test last year? i, obviously, know very little about diagnosing anemia. i am, most definitely, not willing to let anyone play with my blood at this point in time, so i will not know if the accusations are true anytime soon. for now, i suffer. what's new?

school is officially out this thursday. i'm still unsure of how that day is going to be. if i'm lucky, i won't end up crying. i hardly ever cry, but lately it's been happening a lot. moving is just so emotionally exhausting, especially if you become attatched to places and people as strongly as i do. last thursday was amanda's last day. that wasn't as hard as i thought it would be, but that's only because i didn't find out it was her last day until friday. i already miss her.

i just hope that i never forget all the kids at this school that have made my life better, brighter. i hope that the good memories, just this one time, won't fade away. that's all i want. i don't think that's asking too much.

p.s. i got dry by augusten burroughs in the mail yesterday, and i've successfully made it to page 17. it might not sound particularly impressive, but at this point in time, for me, it's amazing. i probably won't be able to get much farther anytime soon, but hey, 17 pages is a start.
<3

i'm so transparent, i disappear.

i am surprised that i have remembered to breathe. this insomnia has been making my memory flaws even more prominent. there are few feelings worse than knowing you lost something. or, better yet, that you've placed something somewhere, so that you wouldn't forget it, and then you do forget. i guess life is just 'funny' like that sometimes.

i've had this incredible urge to read, but every time i pick up a book
and flip to a page, i can't read it. too many words, requires too much
concentration, failure failure failure. i couldn't even read my
chemistry test today. i ended up just making patterns on the scantron.
good thing i've given up on grades, or else that would be
disappointing.

i've finally gotten things straightened out with the ebay situation. i
should have my ipod (that was purchased over a month ago), next week.
maybe a constant access to music will lighten my mood. i've been awful
gloomy lately.

here's to hoping that my writers block, insomnia, frustration and
exhaustion won't last much longer. school lets out in eight days. such a
bitter sweet realization.

p.s. i have realized this week that i am not a moronic imbecile when it
comes to mathematics. after barely passing all year, i went to the two
other algebra 2 teachers and asked if they could re-explain the chaos
that my teacher has been teaching us. i made a 92 on the test. i have
come to the conclusion that i need to stop relying on others so
persistently, even if it is someone that i'm supposed to, such as a
teacher. you can never be too careful.

p.p.s. if you feel like dancing to some sweet ass japanese music, check
out darkwave surfer by aural vampire.

<3