road to joy

i have officially been inspired. by what? i'm not sure. by life, perhaps.

we got electricity on day eight. it was glorious and magnificent and it made me realize how much i take every little thing for granted. then again, don't we all?

i hereby declare that i'm going to become a more rounded person. i want to learn to do as many things as possible. i want to learn to sew my own clothes. i want to become a better artist. i want to write. i want to be able to communicate to other people through my work and their eyes. how? now that's a different question entirely. but, i'm going to do it. somehow. somehow i'm going to make myself proud.

i am jack's inflamed sense of frustration.

still no power. day seven. we just got running water. we were told that we might not get power until the 10th of october.

imagine camping in the middle of summer. imagine no refridgeration. imagine nothing frozen. imagine how you would cook, clean, and wash without electricity or water. imagine waiting in lines outside of stores. imagine them only letting in one family at a time. imagine waiting in a 5 mile line, for 6 hours, for a tank of over priced gasoline. imagine price gauging everywhere. imagine every business being closed except heb, kroger and the chinese restaurant. imagine no air conditioning, no fans, no cooling devices. imagine the civilized world stopping. imagine having to shovel out over $600 for a generator just to rekindle a small portion of what was lost.

not having these conveniences makes everyone really bitchy. myself included. maybe this will all get better soon. maybe meaning 'i fucking hope so.'

this isn't fun anymore. this is no longer new and exciting. it got old really fast. please, entergy, fix all of this soon. please?

love, the ungrateful teenager <3

notes from the deep end.

i am not as strong i have been told. "i'm just a regular person, i'm just like you." "oh, but i don't know how you did it! i wouldn't have made it and turned out so well."

well, fuck, everyone has to learn to survive outside of their comfort zones. anyone ever learn to swim by being thrown into a body of water? it's kind of like that. except, i never became a champion swimmer. my lungs were filled with enough water to choke me, but i managed to cough it up just in time. i barely made it out.

so, stop glorifying me. i have my flaws, and yes, i have my strengths too. i have a dark past, but don't we all? no one has had a picture perfect life. i hurt just like you do. i cry when i'm upset. i love, i trust, i live, and i survive. we are the same. if i'm this tower of strength, then so are you. don't undermine yourself to glorify me.

it's weird how compliments make me feel after they've had time to sink in. maybe i've just been sensitized to them. scarcely hearing positive feedback for seventeen years could do that to a person. however, i'm just dramatic. i just throw random words together so they sound good.

or, maybe i am as fucking fantastic as i've heard people say. maybe i'm confusing arrogance and extreme self confidence, and avoiding something i shouldn't. but, for now, hearing that shit makes me uncomfortable. it makes me feel like my entire life has been a lie and you're poking at my wounds, deflating the air, and exposing the liar.

<3

old thoughts, new post

compliments kind of bother me to an extent. i mean, it's nice to hear nice things, but come on. where's the reality? why do you only hear negative things from the people that hate you? i will smile the day that i hear "wow, your hair looks like shit" instead of waiting for it to look nice to say the opposite. i'll laugh when i get to hear, "my god, were you tripping on some serious shit when you bought that?"

i want to hear both sides of the spectrum. i want the god honest truth. granted, i may disagree with you, but ill have more respect because of your honesty.

<3

bring it, hurricane ike.

i know it's incredibly selfish and pathetic of me, but i love when my best friend's mom, aka my other mom, calls me when she's drinking. she shouldn't be drinking. it's horrible for her. but, when she is, she always showers me with compliments.

"you are SUCH a remarkable kid, how did you turn out so well with such shitty parents?"

"have i mentioned how amazing i think you are?"

"you're so smart, i know you'll be able to do anything you want"

"i just don't know how you turned out so well, but you did. i mean it, you're just amazing in every aspect. i'm so proud of you"

"i really mean it, you're fantastic."

it just feels <i>good</i> to have a parent figure finally say something positive. it's so fucking nice to not hear "you're a shitty waste of space" every time an adult wants to speak to me. it's beyond words when someone makes you feel like you're worth something. it's people like her that keep me fighting every day.

and i hope, i genuinely do, that you, whoever you are, have someone as amazing as this women that makes my life brighter. i hope that everyone is as lucky as i am. and, if you're not, don't let it get you down. i've been there. keep marching on. the hills never get easier to climb, but knowing that you have support somehow makes the journey that much more enjoyable.

<3

life is good.

it's nice to learn that you're completely capable of doing something
that you never thought you'd be able to accomplish. success is such a
wonderful feeling. it feels good to stand up to your fears and do
something wonderful.

<3

at the very bottom of everything

i hate feeling helpless. there's something that i need to do - that i have to do, but no matter how hard i try, there's absolutely nothing that i can do about it. it's possible that i'm being dramatic again. but distance - distance is a killer. cherish your home, your family, and everything you own. you are lucky. truly, you are lucky.

and fuck anyone that doesn't like you for being yourself. damn anyone that questions your sense of being. be proud of who you are. always be proud of who you are.

<3