notes from the deep end.

i am not as strong i have been told. "i'm just a regular person, i'm just like you." "oh, but i don't know how you did it! i wouldn't have made it and turned out so well."

well, fuck, everyone has to learn to survive outside of their comfort zones. anyone ever learn to swim by being thrown into a body of water? it's kind of like that. except, i never became a champion swimmer. my lungs were filled with enough water to choke me, but i managed to cough it up just in time. i barely made it out.

so, stop glorifying me. i have my flaws, and yes, i have my strengths too. i have a dark past, but don't we all? no one has had a picture perfect life. i hurt just like you do. i cry when i'm upset. i love, i trust, i live, and i survive. we are the same. if i'm this tower of strength, then so are you. don't undermine yourself to glorify me.

it's weird how compliments make me feel after they've had time to sink in. maybe i've just been sensitized to them. scarcely hearing positive feedback for seventeen years could do that to a person. however, i'm just dramatic. i just throw random words together so they sound good.

or, maybe i am as fucking fantastic as i've heard people say. maybe i'm confusing arrogance and extreme self confidence, and avoiding something i shouldn't. but, for now, hearing that shit makes me uncomfortable. it makes me feel like my entire life has been a lie and you're poking at my wounds, deflating the air, and exposing the liar.

<3